We are so fixated on horrible events that I think a lot of therapists miss much of the mundane wounding that accumulates in past relationships. Even if your client is in a stable and healthy relationship now, they probably got there the way most of us do through various forms of massacre.
So, I’m going to ask you. How did past experiments in trying to be loved in this world work out for you? Did they teach you anything? Did they shape how you trust? Did they shape your ability to trust your own self about who and what to trust? If not you, think about your cousin or your long-term friend. A shocking amount of our trauma is relational. People love as a function of their assets and also their wounding. It’s the way this world is. Heartache, we know for sure, is one of the worst things that humans have. Don’t assume, because it is a normal part of human experience, that it’s not wounding. Don’t assume, because that wounding doesn’t involve Criterion A PTSD type events, that it didn’t have an impact. Letting someone get close is one of the best and worst things that has happened to many of us. There is learning in it. There is wounding in it.
How has love worked out for you? I’m telling you, it’s a great question and it’s part of how we are going to heal ourselves. Try exploring. You’ll probably be surprised how much is there.
365 Questions About EMDR With Complex Trauma 